And now for something completely different: actual football. The increasingly bizarre/depressing/uplifting/hilarious Match of the Day story is going to dominate the news cycle for the forseeable, but antediluvian values dictate we should also keep abreast of this afternoon’s games.

This afternoon’s Clockwatch will focus on the overwhelming futility of life in England in 2023 Premier League, with five of the bottom seven in action, but we’ll also have updates from around England and Europe. And, yes, from BBC Towers. We have a dedicated Fiasco of the Day blog that you can follow as well.

Bournemouth 1-0 Liverpool (12.30pm)

Everton v Brentford

Leeds v Brighton

Leicester v Chelsea (guest-starring Gary Winston Lineker OBE)

Tottenham v Nottm Forest

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