The Real Reason We Dread Our Inboxes

Email has been part of most professionals’ lives for the better part of 30 years, but if anything it’s gotten harder to manage. On top of the 319 billion emails sent daily in 2021—and projected by tech market-research firm Radicati Group to rise to around 376 billion by 2025—we now have to balance it with text, Slack and Google Chat messages.

But the problem, I’ve come to realize, isn’t necessarily the volume. After all, processing rote messages (“Can you send me the report?” or “Can you meet on Thursday at 3 p.m.?”) may be a little tedious, but it doesn’t strike dread into anyone’s heart. It’s just a job to be done.

Almost invariably, the messages that linger in our inboxes (and psyches) are the ones that create emotional stress—and which we tend to procrastinate on, whether because it’s an uncomfortable topic, or something we don’t have an easy answer for, or something we simply hope to avoid.

It’s worth keeping in mind a few principles that can help us manage the unruly thicket of messages that almost every professional faces these days.

1. Get clear on the decision or action that each message requires

A common reason we fail to respond to certain emails is that they require a sequence of steps (“I need to schedule a meeting with her, which means I need to send her my online calendar link, but first I need to update my scheduling tool with new available dates”). For each message, take time to understand what the next action step is—and if possible, do it then.

It’s also possible that the delay isn’t a logistical hurdle, but an emotional one. Years ago, when I started my consulting and executive-coaching business, I’d sometimes let messages from eager prospects sit in my inbox for days. It was completely counterproductive: I’d worked hard to cultivate their interest. Why would I falter at the finish line and dawdle with my response? But their question was inevitably the same: They wanted to know more about my pricing, and I was early enough in my business that I didn’t have a clue what to charge.

Rather than forcing myself to work through the discomfort to figure it out, I’d procrastinate—and then blame an overflowing inbox for my delay. That had the added benefit, at least for my own ego, of signaling high status with my busyness. In reality, of course, I was simply dodging a difficult question—so be on the lookout for patterns in your communication that may indicate you’re being avoidant.

2. Don’t be afraid to clarify an opaque note

If you can’t figure out what your correspondent wants, you can often be more direct than you might imagine, and save yourself time and effort. “I appreciate all the background information you sent me,” you could say. “Is there a particular question you were hoping I could answer, or a way you think I might be able to assist?” Asking some variation of that question forces them to tighten up their query and get specific about the help they want—so you can determine whether it’s possible, or desirable, for you to provide it.

3. Recognize that we compound our problems whenever we delay our response

Psychologically, it’s far easier to put off answering, rather than send a response you know will disappoint someone. But that invitation continues to plague you as an “open loop” (“I still haven’t responded to her!”), and begins to look rude after a while.

In a recent inbox-clearing session, I faced the fact that I’d waited far too long to respond to a colleague’s lunch invitation. I didn’t really want to go, but—guilt-ridden by my delay—I agreed, as a way of “making it up to her.” This, of course, is the worst of both worlds, so if you don’t actually want to do something, it’s best to rip off the bandage quickly and decline the request.

4. Set aside time for emotional or high-stakes responses

One problem with email is that every message takes up equal space in your inbox, but some are far more important than others, whether it’s giving final approval for the new design or responding to an angry note from a client. You can’t simply zip down the line and process them along with other rote correspondence, so flag the messages that require more time and focus. With a bit of space, and without putting pressure on yourself in that moment to get to inbox zero, you can give these sensitive responses the care they deserve.

We may access our inboxes via screens—but in reality, they’re mirrors. Whether it’s difficulty saying no or a reluctance to have difficult conversations, every personal and professional foible we have comes through—and often languishes in—our inbox.

We can’t control the number of messages we get; the nature of the medium is that it’s free and easy for people to ping us about anything, at all hours. But when we recognize what’s actually preventing us from tackling our emails—which, so often, is the emotional difficulty of making hard decisions, and our all-too-human tendency to put them off—we can begin to take back control.

Dorie Clarkis a marketing strategy consultant and keynote speaker who teaches executive education at Duke University’s Fuqua School of Business and Columbia Business School. Her newest book is “The Long Game: How to Be a Long-Term Thinker in a Short-Term World.”