Ghosting someone is actually an act of kindness
By Anna Lokey
Picture this: You’ve been seeing someone for a hot second. You hung out a couple times (three if you count the time you accidentally FaceTimed them while you were going to the bathroom, and they stayed on the line until you were completely finished just to let you know that they, in fact, were listening the whole time).
This accidental intimacy aside, you would like to end things. Maybe there’s a particular reason. They chew with their mouth open. Or maybe you’re just getting the vibe that this whole thing isn’t going to work out…and that’s OK, too!
Either way you are confronted with a choice: to ghost…or attempt to articulate the reasons why you think your lives would be better separate than together.
But before your fingers get ahead of you and start sprinting down the five paragraph persuasive essay style that you haven’t revisited since middle school (latent with ethos, pathos and logos, of course), let me present the case in defense of ghosting.
Choosing not to respond to a text sends a definitive message, one that is clearer than any other text message about your feelings could ever be.
“I was going to call them, or ask to meet for a quick coffee!” you might retort if you are anti-ghosting. And my question to you is: “Why? Do you enjoy pain? Are you drowning in free time? Do you hate yourself and them by thinking the easiest course of action is truly sitting down and working through every reason why you don’t like each other?”
To be quite honest, ghosting’s biggest positive is the sheer lack of effort necessary to successfully pull it off. It’s simpler than you think: just go to the message thread and delete the entire thing. One little swipe and you’re free! Free like your schedule will be from the time you saved not having to tearfully discourse your situationship into the ground.
Rejection is a dish best served silently.
Now, to be clear, I’m only pro-ghosting if you’re in the delicate stages of dating, which is when we usually hear about ghosting. If you are married, in an uber-long relationship, or have kids with someone — these rules don’t apply. This is only for people in the, you know, defining-the-relationship phase.
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Isn’t ghosting mean, cruel and inconsiderate of the depth of human emotion?
No. And let me tell you why.
As humans, we possess many skills of articulation, but comically, we lack the ability to fully understand the feelings of others. We view the world from our own perspective. This leads to the break-up conversation turning into painful, torturous circles where the same question of “what are we?” becomes repeated so many times it loses meaning. When it comes to matters of the heart: the more complicated the verbage, the more room for discussion, the more room for emotional torture.
Ghosting is the most morally and ethically wise solution. For both parties involved!
And I understand. Nobody wants to be left on read — not responded to even though the person saw your message. If you’re not the one doing the ghosting, the act can be a blow to our ego, knock the wind from our sails, make you look in the mirror and scream “You fool! You miserable fool!” But after the immediate sting subsides, you’ll find you no longer care… because you forgot! Try to say that about the last 7 hour dialectic you had with your FWB (friend with benefits) about why “this just wasn’t working out for you anymore.”
Joking aside, why do we act like ghosting is such a foreign concept when we engage in the behavior constantly? I know plenty of people who are straight up ghosting their student loan payments. Don’t even get me started about health care bills. And what about taxes?! Local elections?!? That Instagram DM from the girl you went to high school with who wants to sell you essential oils??!?
We all know how to ghost effectively.
One could almost say ghosting is fundamental to human nature: embedded in our instincts deep in our DNA, right next to involuntary breathing while we sleep. When we learned about cavemen choosing flight over fight when confronted with a monstrous beast, we didn’t shame them for being emotionally immature and cowardly. No! We said, “Good for you, making an educated decision and weighing the risks!”
I am not saying that communication and honesty aren’t the hallmarks of a successful and worthwhile relationship. In fact, I am wholeheartedly reaffirming that.
You deserve someone who gives you the time of day, and it is easiest to assess who that is — and isn’t — when those who aren’t intending to commit simply exit stage left. Consider it not a ghosting, but instead a disgruntled actor embracing their artistic license.
Anna Lokey is a middle-school science teacher and writer living in Brooklyn. Her work has appeared in The Washington Post and The Hill.
Source: | This article originally belongs to Nbcnews.com
