When the dust finally clears on Boris’s parties, his lawyer won’t be looking back on this as his finest hour

Just call me Mystic Meg. Why get Lord Pannick, one of the most expensive barristers in the country, to help with your defence when you can have me instead? I’m a lot cheaper for a start. And have far fewer typos in my copy. With me, the privileges committee would have been able to publish Boris Johnson’s Dodgy Dossier on Monday evening. There again, Guardian readers got to read it then anyway.

Mid-morning on Tuesday the Dodgy Dossier was finally released. And it was uncannily similar to the sketch I had written the day before. It just goes to show yet again that you can never go far wrong by thinking the worst of Boris. It also proves that even a £5,000 an hour brief can’t work miracles with duff material. When the dust finally clears on Boris’s parties, Pannick won’t be looking back on his involvement with the Convict as his finest hour. Still. As a brief, you win some, you lose some. And it was the taxpayer who was picking up the tab.

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