Dear Vicky,
I am a 34-year-old professional living in London. I make a decent salary, I am single and I live alone. The other day, one of my friends called me a shopaholic and it got me thinking – am I?
I have definitely never considered that I might have a shopping addiction, but I do often go beyond my budget – and I have a small credit card debt that has only recently tipped into a four-digit figure.
Many of my friends have kids and families and are busy at weekends, so I often end up going for walks to the shops, and I always like to find something to buy. I tend to shop online, too – especially in the evenings. I sometimes keep some shopping tabs open on my computer when I am working from home and browse on them, adding things to my shopping cart as and when I see them. How do I know if I have a shopping addiction?
J.E., by email
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: The good news is that you are curious about your spending, rather than defensive or in denial. I will help you to ask yourself some questions in order to determine whether you might have a compulsive buying disorder or a shopping addiction, or whether you are simply overspending.
If you have a compulsive buying disorder, you’ll feel a compulsive need to spend: it doesn’t even matter what you are buying, you just need to buy something. You will be interrupted by frequent and intrusive thoughts about shopping, and even if you try to set limits on how much time you dedicate to it, you fail to stick to these.
There could be negative feelings sitting beneath the surface that you might be trying to address through shopping, Vicky Reynal writes
You will find that you also exceed your budget, and that the shopping activity is beginning to interfere with your ability to lead a normal life. A compulsion tips over into an addiction when you have to shop more and more to get the same feeling (which, for some, is a calming one). It’s like needing a ‘fix’ in a substance addiction.
Full-on spending addictions aren’t that common, but you might be overspending. This can be simply defined as spending more than you can afford, or more than you feel comfortable with.
If, for example, you feel guilty after you have shopped, this could be a sign that you wish you could change your behaviour. It sounds like you are spending more than you can afford – as indicated by the debt.
While friends and family aren’t always right, sometimes their comments – such as ‘Wow, you don’t give spending money any thought!’ or ‘Don’t you have two of those already?’ – while annoying to hear, can trigger some helpful questions.
The key question I invite you to ask yourself is: why might you be overspending? Is it possible that there are negative feelings sitting beneath the surface that you might be trying to address through the shopping?
You have noticed some patterns, which is helpful. You say you shop at weekends, when friends are busy with family activities. Could it be that shopping is distracting you from feelings of sadness, loneliness or envy?
You seem to shop during your work hours, too: is it possible that you are feeling bored in your job but, rather than thinking about making a change (which is hard), you distract yourself by browsing shopping sites?
If these points resonate with you then I would invite you to think about whether there is a financially healthier way to deal with your feelings.
You also go on shopping sites in the evening. What would you be thinking if you weren’t on them? What feelings are you trying to avoid when you browse them? Would it be too difficult to just sit with your feelings?
Many people end up mimicking behaviours they learnt from parents who, rather than sit with, talk about and manage their feelings, evaded them by taking action (they drank, or ate, or gambled). It could be that you never really learnt that we can just sit with our feelings.
However, if you find that too difficult, why not take a different action, such as calling a friend? Or writing in a journal? Or going for a walk in a park rather than on a high street full of shops? Or taking up a volunteering position somewhere?
Some people engage in ’emotional eating’, while others do ’emotional spending’, and so I wonder: are you shopping to deal with tough feelings?
