My mother has dementia and is also a widow but still lives in her own home. I moved to live nearby with my young family after her diagnosis so I can keep an eye on her. Before my mother got dementia, she gave me Power of Attorney – mainly because my younger brother works abroad and is rarely in the UK. I now have access to her bank account and can see she has been paying thousands of pounds into my brother’s bank account over the past year. She has never mentioned these payments and neither has he. I’m worried he’s either talked her into giving him money or she’s doing it without fully understanding it. I also feel extremely jealous. I do all the ‘on call’ care but I don’t get a penny for it – nor would I want it. Should I confront him? I otherwise have a lovely, if not remote relationship with him.
I’m worried he’s either talked her into giving him money or she’s doing it without fully understanding it. I also feel extremely jealous. I do all the ‘on call’ care but I don’t get a penny for it – nor would I want it. Should I confront him? I otherwise have a lovely, if not remote relationship with him.
S, Devon.
Whether you confront him or not, what you know will be difficult to keep out of mind because it has stirred up feelings, Vicky Reynal writes
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: Yes, I believe you should confront your brother. First of all, because your relationship with him will inevitably be impacted by this discovery: whether you confront him or not, what you know will be difficult to keep out of mind because it has stirred up feelings. You mention feeling jealous but anger and mistrust may be close to the surface too. The same goes for your relationship with your mother; it might be hard to continue to care for her with empathy if a part of you is troubled by the potential reasons she is giving so generously to your brother.
Secondly, and particularly if your Power of Attorney includes managing your mother’s finances, you might have a duty to ensure that there isn’t ‘financial abuse’ going on, as you suspect. Financial abuse is defined as restricting someone’s ability to acquire, use and maintain financial resources – and so taking money from your mother without her full understanding or consent would be an abusive behaviour you would want to expose in order to safeguard her.
One thing you haven’t considered is whether your mother has willingly decided to pay into your brother’s account. It isn’t uncommon for parents to treat their children differently and the differences can extend to financial support. In my experience, while the children often interpret this as ‘clearly that means they love my sibling more’, the explanations tend to be far more varied and complex. Sometimes parents give more to an adult child that they have always seen as ‘the more vulnerable one,’ or to the one seen to have greater financial responsibilities (they have more children, for example). Yet sometimes parents are unknowingly repeating patterns of their own upbringing, patterns where one child received preferential treatment.
You cherish the relationship with your brother, so how you confront him does matter. You have built hypotheses about what might be going on, but don’t let these turn into accusations. You can start calmly, and explain that you see these regular transfers to him and you wonder what that is about. Also, you might feel fear and anxiety in that conversation which might impair your listening skills. So make an effort to really hear the answers being given because your mind will be looking to fast-forward to an answer as it tries to relieve you of the anxiety.
While it can seem scary to initiate a conversation that might result in your important relationships being impacted, and a part of you might want to keep things as they are, the reality is that those things have already changed. You will be doing the right thing.
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email [email protected]
