CITY WHISPERS: Bank reports make Tolstoy look like light reading

It’s been a mixed reporting season for Britain’s Big Four banks – NatWest, Barclays, Lloyds and HSBC.

But forget the profits – City types will be well aware that the lenders have all now released their annual reports and accounts. These are always hefty tomes. This year the award for the longest report – weighing in at a doorstopping 523 pages – goes to Barclays.

Combined, the reports of the four banks add up to a whopping 1,764 pages.

Writing on the wall: This year the award for the longest report goes to Barclays

The page count is longer than Tolstoy’s War And Peace. Or more than twice the number of pages in James Joyce’s masterpiece, Ulysses.

Or you could instead read JRR Tolkien’s The Hobbit and The Lord Of The Rings trilogy and still have some pages spare.

Pity the poor retail investors who are keen to find out more about the banks and have to wade through it all. They must wonder where to start.

M&S boss still schmoozing society set

Marks & Spencer boss Stuart Machin is used to schmoozing the society set, but last week he took it up a notch by dining with veteran actors Joan Collins and Christopher Biggins at Rules, London’s oldest restaurant.

Whispers wonders whether Joan is having her arm twisted to appear in another M&S ad after starring in the 2002 Christmas commercial alongside celebs including Denise van Outen and Graham Norton.

She already sells her make-up line in M&S stores. Either way, it made for an excellent tweet, eh Stu?

Bad and bizarre news for Petra 

More bad and bizarre news last week relating to Petra Diamonds’ Tanzanian mining operations.

The firm said it would set aside almost £5 million to pay for damage caused last year by the bursting of a dam holding waste from its Williamson mine.

Fortunately no one died or was seriously injured, but some of the local area is still uninhabitable and Petra is having to fund humanitarian relief.

In a separate piece of dramatic news, Petra said it had got wind that part of a parcel of diamonds that was confiscated in a hoo-ha with the Tanzanian government several years ago has now been sold.

The company is frantically trying to find out more information. The rest of the City is surely keen for an end to the mystery too.

Matt Moulding lifts lid on caffeine addiction

THG founder Matt Moulding has finally set the record straight on his caffeine addiction.

His reputed 20 shots a day rose to 30 after the e-commerce firm’s listing – ten triple-shot flat whites.

Some may say it explains why the shares have lost their froth, languishing at a tenth of the float price.

Aside from suffering any ill-effects of excessive consumption – anxiety, irritability, tremors and insomnia – Moulding was clearly spending so much time ordering and guzzling his coffee he had little left for anything else.

He’s now ditched his fix. Let’s hope that gives the shares a new high.

                                                                             Contributors: Patrick Tooher and Archie Mitchell 

This post first appeared on Dailymail.co.uk