PROVIDING your shoulders for someone to lean on is one of the noblest deeds you can render to your fellow human being. That someone, be he a relation, an acquaintance, or a total stranger, will never forget your kindness. And the assets side of your spiritual balance sheet will definitely improve following such action.
But in giving our shoulders to people to lean on, most of us often make a mistake. Instead of telling the people we are giving assistance to how far we can go in doing so, we usually keep mum and start using body language to communicate with them when we feel we had done enough and where they can’t understand what we are saying with our body, we become hostile towards them openly.
The people, who are still in the prayer mood thanking their God for sending a helper to them, are stunned when they discover that the ‘Saint’ they thought they had found is behaving like a devil incarnate to them.
Let me illustrate this point with examples. On my arrival in Lagos after I had voluntarily resigned from the Nigerian Army in 1978, I checked in with a friend who was too glad to accommodate me.
I made my mission very clear: I was in Lagos to get a job and settle down. I had no idea how long it would take before I got a job; neither did I know when it would be before I would be in a position to rent a house.
My friend didn’t appear to mind how long my stay would be initially. At least he told me so. By then, I had started cultivating the habit of giving in exchange for getting, so I was contributing some of the things we used at home from the money I was making from the Daily Times as a stringer.
All of a sudden, I started noticing that my friend’s warm disposition towards me was becoming hostile. Before it degenerated, I quickly moved out of his place, thanking him profusely for accommodating me and ensuring that we remained friends ever since.
Until this day, I never was able to put my finger on what I did wrong to spark his change of attitude towards me. All I knew was that when I told him I was leaving, he appeared to be relieved.
Having heard similar stories from other people who have had such experiences, I started to ask myself why this was always so. And this led me to the theory that people usually make promises they can’t keep. And they feel trapped when they can’t find a way out.
For instance, if my friend had said to me,
“Sunny, I will be able to put you up for one month only. During this period, try and look for another place to move to,”
that would have been a bargain. I realize that some people will not take your “No” for an answer. At the expiration of one month, such people will come back with tons of excuses why they couldn’t move out.
If you throw such people out of your house at that point, I will not blame you. But let the people you are helping know, upfront, how far you are prepared to go in assisting them.
Which reminds me of my experience with Alhaji R. A. Adejumo. Shortly after I went into business in 1984, I went to his house to tell him how I was coping, having told him earlier that I was going solo. Alhaji Adejumo brought out N5,000.00 and prayed for my success in the new venture.
Within six months or so afterwards, he had given me N5,000 each on two other occasions, making a total of N15,000 that he gave to me at that period not to mention the building which serves as our offices till this day which he gave me rent free for two years.
On getting home with the third installment of the N5,000 which Alhaji Adejumo gave to me, I showed it to my Esther. After thanking God for the role Alhaji Adejumo was playing in our lives, she said:
“Sunny, this is the last time we would go to Alhaji Adejumo for this type of money. From now on, we must concentrate on how to prove to him that his investment in us was not in vain.”
Which was what we did, even though, I must confess, it was quite a fat struggle.
Whether we would have got to a point when Alhaji Adejumo would have asked his gatemen to turn us away if we had become a pest on his life, I never found out because of the decision my wife and I had taken.
But the point is, just as the giver ought to be able to tell the receiver how much he is prepared to give; so also is the receiver duty-bound, in my opinion, to know when to give the giver a break.
If this ground rule is observed, no one giving their shoulders for others to lean on will ever feel in danger of checking into the orthopedic hospital with a broken collar bone injury.
Quote:
“In giving our shoulders to people to lean on, most of us often make a mistake. Instead of telling the people we are giving assistance to how far we can go in doing so, we usually keep mum and start using body language to communicate with them when we feel we had done enough”
