In this budget BDSM game show, D-list celebs demean themselves for absolutely no one’s pleasure. What a tragic torture palace

I’ve been through the fire. Mindlessly channel-surfing one blameless June evening, I happened across Keith Chegwin presenting Naked Jungle wearing nothing but a safari hat and a smile. I watched him usher five naturist couples (not even in hats, if memory serves) around the one-off game show that nobody in the country could believe was happening until the headlines confirmed it the next day. And I cannot be burned again.

The rest of you may still be vulnerable. If so, approach Apocalypse Wow (ITV 2) with caution because it will be the worst thing you have yet seen with your eyes. If you’re old enough to have watched It’s a Royal Knockout, you may be afforded some protection, but still take extraordinary care.

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