I felt the world had begun to look through me, as if I was made of air. When I decided to give up my plan for the future I immediately felt released
I was 22 and set on a certain path. A postgraduate student, I was doing a master’s at a gender centre, and writing a dissertation about a group of French feminist philosophers. It felt like exciting, important work. Prof Mary Evans – an inspiring gender studies scholar – was overseeing the course and she encouraged me to apply for a PhD. My future, it seemed, was set in stone.
Then I started to feel panicky at the library, where I was spending long hours on my own. I felt both claustrophobic and agoraphobic at once, which made no sense – so I just pushed those feelings away. Then they started to creep up on me in other public places. I remember being in a cafe with a friend and becoming choked by the noise around me. I rushed out into the street, sucking at the air – only to feel panicked about being alone.
