So I’ve damaged my hip. But I don’t need your plant diets, vitamin secrets and wellness gurus. Nor do people who really are ill…

Recently, we all got to have a laugh at bodily scented candlemonger and genital steamer Gwyneth Paltrow, after NHS England’s medical director felt moved to break away from fighting a pandemic to warn against following her advice. Paltrow had declared that according to a “functional medicine practitioner” the solution to her long Covid was a ketogenic plant-based diet with no sugar or alcohol and intermittent fasting. Prof Stephen Powis said these were “really not the solutions we’d recommend”. Silly Hollywood stars, with their ludicrous dietary advice handed down to complete strangers. Who would do such a thing?

Lots of people, as it happens. Last month, I wrote about my lovely osteoarthritic hip. Partly, I did so because I thought the challenge of trying to look after myself, combined with the lure of comfort eating in lockdown, was interesting. Partly, I wanted to explain why I might be seen limping about the place, like a broken slinky. I anticipated a mixture of eye-rolls, and perhaps a splash of sympathy. What I did not anticipate was the number of people who would take it upon themselves to send me unsolicited dietary advice. I already had a pain in the arse. I really didn’t need a bunch more of them.

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