If I’m not stressed out by these modern dilemmas, then trust me, you needn’t be either
I don’t like to blow my own trumpet but I’m really good at worrying. If a family member fails to answer my message within 30 seconds, they’re definitely dead. Every name I forget means I’ve got Alzheimer’s disease; every brown envelope is a court summons for a crime I’ve forgotten doing (because of Alzheimer’s disease); every “Do you have time for a quick chat?” is a cataclysm about to detonate, destroying my life. I’ve long wondered if this superpower has any practical application, and I’ve finally worked out what it is: it’s telling people what not to worry about. From mass coral bleaching to the march of the robots, 2024 offers plenty of real worries, but even more absolute non-issues. I know, because, whatever the putative problem, I overthink all angles in nanoseconds and, if I’m not worried, trust me, you needn’t be either.
Take straw wrinkles. Straw wrinkles, I discovered the other day, are the wrinkles you might conceivably get from pursing your lips to drink through a straw. I don’t suppose you’ll be surprised to hear that capitalism has a solution: an “anti-wrinkle straw”, much admired by TikTok influencers (who arguably bear some responsibility for lip wrinkles, given their earlier enthusing about giant toddler cups with built-in straws).
