Fifa has decreed each nation should have a different song pumped into the stadium when they score. So which team has the best anthem to robot dance to and which expects their strikers to celebrate to a flute solo?

Does it matter what music is played around the stadium when a goal is scored? To answer that question let me revisit a particularly grim time during the pandemic when Liverpool FC were playing in empty stadiums and their goals were followed not by the famed Anfield roar but a blast of Song 2 by Blur. It was loud, it was raucous, and it had nothing to do with the club whatsoever, serving only to highlight the detached, sterile surroundings life was suddenly taking place in.

To some of us traditionalists, goal music should be banned. If you want to turn this into ice hockey, at least let the players have mass brawls on the pitch. But Fifa know better, of course, and they’re clearly not satisfied with the mere sound of a crowd going wild. Instead, they’ve asked each of the 32 competing nations to provide a song to be pumped around the arena any time they score. Some teams, including England and Wales, have picked two, a bit like having an away kit in case their opposing team have chosen the same song.

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