‘Sometimes it just wipes me out’: the unwanted approval of men is exhausting to deal with
A few years ago a friend of mine got married, and when I pulled up to the rustic wedding site, a man I didn’t know positioned himself behind my car to make dramatic hand signals. I didn’t need or ask for help, but he was giving it, and I’m sure he thought the credit for my success in parking my small car in this very easy spot was at least partly his. In a very minor and undoubtedly unwitting way, he was trying to rob me of my sense of competence to bolster his own.
It’s not impaired by one clown, but I’ve had hundreds or maybe thousands of experiences like this, of unwanted, unsolicited intrusion in the form of help, advice, and granting approval (or its opposite). It all too frequently takes the form of some man saying “correct” when I or other women say something aloud or online, as if we needed their approval, as if they were the authorities in the room, as though it wasn’t true or right until it had their imprimateur. When I wrote a social media post about the phenomenon, the response was like that scene in Giant when they drill for oil and it spouts skyward. Torrents of stories from other women gushed out.
