In the data-driven, optimisation-obsessed corner of the internet, everything has its optimal moment, and washing is no exception

One of my favourite things to do in my middle age is lie on the sofa eating crisps while Googling low-effort ways to optimise my life.

Thanks to data-driven obsessives online, I have discovered that there is an optimal time at which to do everything. Exercising in the afternoon, for example, may reduce the risks of early death more than a morning or evening workout. Delaying your morning coffee until two hours after waking improves cognition and energy, according to Andrew Huberman, a controversial neurobiologist and podcaster who has developed a cult following for his health and fitness “protocols”. As for the best time to have a shower? I’m glad you asked. I have done extensive research on the matter – and it’s complicated.

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